Yes, I DO still talk to my husband

 

A few weeks ago, I was speaking to a dear friend. She has been through her own losses and asked me how I was getting through my own grief journey. I told her about my good and bad days and the different coping tools I used for each. I started to tell her a story and said “I asked Pete”, she stopped me in mid-sentence.  She asked me if I still talked to Pete. I looked at her and told her of course I did, every day. She asked me if I thought that was healthy. At first I was offended when it occurred to me that maybe she didn’t understand. After all this was my journey, not hers.

I never really thought about it until now. I guess I “assumed” everyone talked to their loved ones who passed on. I spoke to him while he was on earth why would it be different now. I don’t expect a response. My faith taught me that he can hear me and he is watching over me every day. I admit that it would be incredible to hear his voice or to have something tangible happen, but that is not my reason for speaking to him. I speak to my Dad, Mom and Sister in Heaven too.  The last few months of Pete’s life on Earth, he was in and out of it. He would forget that people had visited. Talking to him became soothing to him, I could see it in his face.  He became less agitated. Sometimes I had to repeat myself 4 or 5 times. To me it didn’t matter. I was hell bent on keeping this connection for him. Yes, I do still talk to my husband.

When we first reconnected, our relationship was long distance NY-Florida. I traveled to Florida monthly to spend long weekends with him.  We spent many hours on the phone talking. I changed my cell phone plan. Talking was a big part of our reconnection.  Words were our emotional connection when we were 1500 miles apart. My husband was a paraplegic when we first got back together and as his disease progressed he became a quadriplegic. Conversations became difficult as he struggled to speak. We developed our own “sign” language. Again, talking was an important way for us to connect.  I would read to him and tell stories of my day at work or just even tell him things I was doing around the house. I dresses up in silly outfits and sang pretending to be Elton John. I read condensed stories from Reader’s Digest and his Facebook newsfeed. I read bible verses, short stories and even menus. Keeping the connection… the emotional connection.

In the days following his passing, I found myself calling out to him. I woke up calling his name. In the shower I caught myself asking if he was ok, like I did when he was still on earth. I clearly remember coming home expecting him to be there.  I have caught myself speaking out loud too many times to count.  I still sometimes wake from a dream calling his name. It is amazing to me how the connection is still there.  I have gone to sleep asking his advice,  dreamt of him and woke up feeling that all my questions were answered.

Yes, I do still talk to my husband and I will continue to do so.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still my husband

It has been two and a half years since my husband was called home to Heaven. During this time, I have been asked many times, by many people if I have begun to move on or move forward with my life. It puzzles me as to what this really means.  The life I had was a WE that suddenly became an I. How does one begin to make that transition­…. HE IS STILL MY HUSBAND.

When someone passes away, it is the death of a person, not the relationship. Your parent does not cease to be your parent when they cross over. Your child will always be your child. A friend remains a friend. My husband is still just that….my husband. Move on­?

I have lost relationships with people I thought I could grieve with. Suddenly and with no reason. I do understand grief and grieving. You cannot do it alone. You cannot schedule it. Some days all I want to do is stay in bed with the letters, cards, receipts, stuffed animals… whatever and cry myself dry. I don’t for my own reasons. Some days my makeup is gone from my face before I get to work from a saline tear bath on the drive in. People who I considered friends have stopped answering the phone when I call. I understand their inability to be supportive, it is about them and not me. How can I not talk about him? He is still my husband.

I am no expert on this topic. Hell, I can only speak from where I have come from so far. Just my opinions really.  Things I have been learning. I am not trying to pass on any special grieving secrets, no magic potions, no short cuts.

I have learned that it is ok for me to keep talking about Pete. I should continue to honor his memory however I choose to. As long as it is healthy and productive FOR ME. I will surround myself with supportive people, environments and memories that will make me feel better. I was married to the person God chose for me, regardless of how long. He is still my Husband.