My husband left this world 874 days ago. It is still unbelievable to me. I look back to those last few months of his life and see how sick he really was. God spared him so many times. It wasn't  his turn. I can see now, what I could not see then. 

I remember throwing Hospice out of our home one day because the Doctor suggested removing his feeding tube. Pete had so much  life in his face. He smiled, laughed and his face lit up when I came home from work. I clearly remember calling in  one day to work and sending the aide home. Pete could not speak but I saw that his face was curious. I told him that I wanted to spend the day with my husband like we used to. He squished up his face like he was trying to ask why? I told this man who I fell in love with over 20 years ago that he was as sexy as the first time i saw him in 1980. I pushed my bed as close to his hospital bed as I could. I crept up next to him and put my head on his chest. I pulled his arm around me and stroked his hair. I kissed him gently. When I opened my eyes I saw tears on his cheeks. Our eyes locked. I knew that this was one of our goodbyes. We both lay still. I clung to him, desperate for every second. I did my best to let him know how very much I loved this man. I KNEW he was dying but I would not accept it. My family and friends continued to ask how he was. My responses became "he slept all night" or " he smiled a lot, he is having a good day". I was clinging on to every little thing. It was almost like celebrating your babies first steps, crawling etc. There were some days when I was so thrilled because he was able to get a word out. I remember the last time he actually spoke my name. It was amazing. I came running from the kitchen when I heard it. He was sitting up in bed with the aide next to him. He was smiling ear to ear. It was such a small thing, but to  us it was huge.

Towards the end of his time on earth, he began to sleep more. I tried over and over to get him to stay up, look at photo albums, talk about memories or SKYPE with his family. He didn't have the strength. Every single day I made sure that he smiled. I dressed up like Elton John and sang to him. I made "prank" phone calls.. anything to get him to smile. Even if it was just for a minute.

The day Pete left was a normal day but I remember there was something calling to me. A reason I lingered. He was saying goodbye. He did not want me home. He knew I would not be able to take that. If I was supposed to be home i would have been. Pete's very last day on Earth was spent doing something for me. This was the kind of man he was. He knew that both my son and I would not be home until later. I truly believe that was his final act of love.