My story begins in 1980. I met and fell in love with a young man whom I would marry 25 years later. 
Pete and I had the type of love many people will never know. I truly believe every setp of our lives; both together and apart were planned. 
On September 25 2012, my world changed forever. My soulmate was called home to Heaven after a crippling battle with Multiple Sclerosis. Everything I knew in my life stopped existing. I went from we to me in a matter of one minute. I had no warning.
Death IS a part of life. We grow up experiencing backyard funerals, We equate these times with relatives we rarely see, cold cut platters, Entemanns cakes and lots of other goodies. We all have that Aunt or Uncle who volunteers to run to 7-11 for milk or soda and they take the kids with them.  Once there we took full advantage of the trip and got whatever we wanted. Tears, phone calls, hushed conversations and lots of head pats. That is what I remember. As I got older it was the same except I was included in those hushed conversations.

Now my husband is gone. I do not understand. I make the obligatory phone calls. Hug strangers and let them tell me what to do and how to feel. I sit on the couch tissues in my lap, pictures scattered around totally stunned. The phone ringing in the background. I let the machine pick it up just to hear Pete's voice. I thought of my Mom who was a widow for 5 years before she was called home to Heaven. I had just lost my sister suddenly 5 months earlier. Pete and I were married 7 1/2 years. 5 of them he required some level of care. His last year with us we had in home Hospice.

As teens, Pete and I had a pretty adult relationship. We were very serious and marriage had been discussed. The Big Man upstairs had other plans that needed to happen.  When Pete and I got back together it was meant to happen at that exact time. There were many times over the years apart that our paths crossed we learned. It was pretty amazing how many times we were at the same place at the same time. 

The next couple of days are still vivid. I try to find a sensible reason for reliving those days. Part of this process for me is to remember. I experienced such profound guilt. Did I do enough? Did I try every possible thing to make him comfortable? I had set up our bedroom like a mini Emergency Room. We had a feeding pump, oxygen, a 6 foot tall cabinet filled with lotions, bed sore supplies, antibiotic creams and sprays, syringes..you name it, we had it. I wanted my Husband to be in our home. We had full time care paid for through a state waiver program. We accidentially found out about that. I decorated our room with the cards from relatives and friends and pictures from my nieces and nephew. 
I dressed up like Elton John and sang to Pete. I would set up Skype with family and friends so he could stay in touch. With some help from his family we made sure he felt loved and valued. We never allowed his illness to define him. He left this Big Blue marble with a smile on his face.